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Expanding my job search to Boston/Cambridge now

Someone in Boston/NYC/DC/Seattle/Austin is bound to hire me, right?

Fuck depression

Fuck abject misery and the feelings of worthlessness and feeling like if you were to die, no one would notice until they smelled your decaying corpse.

Fuck having picked out a spot to jump from and eyeing it every time you’re at the park, even when you’re happy.

Fuck not being able to get out of bed, but not being able to articulate to your boss that you just can’t do it today and trying to explain to her that spending 40 hours a week sitting by yourself in a basement just makes it worse and just getting a “Well maybe you should listen to some music.”

Fuck feeling like you don’t deserve to cry because there are people suffering much worse than you are and really, what do you have to complain about?

Fuck feeling like a failure because you can’t function like a normal person.

Fuck the feeling of failure you get when your doctor checks in on your meds and asks “But did you feel happy?” and not being able to give an honest answer because you can’t remember what happiness is.

Fuck feeling like you’re gonna die alone because no one in the world deserves the punishment of dealing with you every day.


In the wake of the Robin Williams news, this is your reminder that no one has to go through depression alone. People love you and people want to talk to you.

If you’re depressed or if you think you’re depressed call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Or email me. I’m not a professional but I can help you find help in your area:

Reading between the lines of today’s email chain basically says that I need to find a new job by October 1st.


#endthetrend [x]


#endthetrend [x]

I am perpetually amazed that people actually want to spend time with me

I mean, I know I’m awesome, but I really don’t trust the general public to recognize that as well.

Andy speaks all of our hopes and dreams.

My grandmother is in the hospital and of course I am incapable of functioning like a normal human being.

BRB- gonna go punch mortality in the face.

The fact that you begged me not to tell your wife tells me that you know your behavior was out of line.

Crashed at a friend’s house last night and spent basically all night getting sexually harrassed by her husband after she passed out.

For the record, it is NOT okay to relentlessly badger a woman about whether or not your dick is big enough to please your wife, and then take your dick out so she can reassure you that you’re average, all the while just hoping that you will shut up and leave her alone.

It is NOT okay to tell her “Well, you’ve seen mine and so now you should show me your tits” and repeat ad nauseum, then proceed to call her a bitch every time she says no.

It is NOT okay to repeat constantly that you “think everyone should be naked all the time” and then sit on the couch with your dick out. It is also NOT okay to approach her WITH YOUR DICK STILL OUT and say “Oh, I just want to cuddle with my dog” when your dog happens to be sitting right next to her.

It is NOT okay to ask graphic details about someone’s sexual preferences and then try to justify it with “You’re one of the few LGBT people I know and you’re really liberal. I’m just trying to educate myself, geez.”

It is NOT okay to sit directly in front of someone and attempt to show them porn, all the while saying “Oh, yeah, you’d totally fuck her, wouldn’t you.”

And finally, despite what I may have promised you in order to get you to shut up, you can be DAMNED FUCKING SURE that I’m going to tell your wife.

Here’s a hint- when a woman is giving noncommittal answers and repeatedly tells you to shut up so she can watch House of Cards, it is a BIG FUCKING HINT that she wants you to leave her alone.

Honestly, I’m kind of pissed at myself for being too polite to tell you to fuck off in your own home.