Install this theme
tastefullyoffensive:

#endthetrend [x]

tastefullyoffensive:

#endthetrend [x]

I am perpetually amazed that people actually want to spend time with me

I mean, I know I’m awesome, but I really don’t trust the general public to recognize that as well.

Andy speaks all of our hopes and dreams.

My grandmother is in the hospital and of course I am incapable of functioning like a normal human being.

BRB- gonna go punch mortality in the face.

The fact that you begged me not to tell your wife tells me that you know your behavior was out of line.

Crashed at a friend’s house last night and spent basically all night getting sexually harrassed by her husband after she passed out.

For the record, it is NOT okay to relentlessly badger a woman about whether or not your dick is big enough to please your wife, and then take your dick out so she can reassure you that you’re average, all the while just hoping that you will shut up and leave her alone.

It is NOT okay to tell her “Well, you’ve seen mine and so now you should show me your tits” and repeat ad nauseum, then proceed to call her a bitch every time she says no.

It is NOT okay to repeat constantly that you “think everyone should be naked all the time” and then sit on the couch with your dick out. It is also NOT okay to approach her WITH YOUR DICK STILL OUT and say “Oh, I just want to cuddle with my dog” when your dog happens to be sitting right next to her.

It is NOT okay to ask graphic details about someone’s sexual preferences and then try to justify it with “You’re one of the few LGBT people I know and you’re really liberal. I’m just trying to educate myself, geez.”

It is NOT okay to sit directly in front of someone and attempt to show them porn, all the while saying “Oh, yeah, you’d totally fuck her, wouldn’t you.”

And finally, despite what I may have promised you in order to get you to shut up, you can be DAMNED FUCKING SURE that I’m going to tell your wife.


Here’s a hint- when a woman is giving noncommittal answers and repeatedly tells you to shut up so she can watch House of Cards, it is a BIG FUCKING HINT that she wants you to leave her alone.

Honestly, I’m kind of pissed at myself for being too polite to tell you to fuck off in your own home.

Today is grey and rainy and I am safely ensconced in a Starbucks listening to jazz and fuck homework; today, I need to WRITE.

In my experience, writers tend to be really good at the inside of their own heads and imaginary people, and a lot less good at the stuff going on outside, which means that quite often if you flirt with us we will completely fail to notice, leaving everybody involved slightly uncomfortable and more than slightly unlaid.

So I would suggest that any attempted seduction of a writer would probably go a great deal easier for all parties if you sent them a cheerful note saying “YOU ARE INVITED TO A SEDUCTION: Please come to dinner on Friday Night. Wear the kind of clothes you would like to be seduced in.”

And alcohol may help, too. Or kissing. Many writers figure out that they’re being seduced or flirted with if someone is actually kissing them.

Neil Gaiman on flirting with / seducing writers (via illfightyourdemons)